It all started about a week or so ago, as mortals track time. I was down here minding your business, planting a few good ideas here and there, when Hermes strolls up behind me and smacks me on the ass.
“Hey, Foxy Moxie. Lookin’ good,” he says all casual-like.
I knew right away this was a bad omen. Hermes doesn’t just pop in for a visit. He’s either up to another one of his stupid gags or he’s bringing word from The Mount. That’s also something that portends trouble ahead. Especially when they actually remember to invite me. I’ve always been the red-headed stepsister when it comes to feasts, weddings, and other family gatherings.
“Oh? You didn’t get the invite? I’m sure we sent one!”
Yeah. Right. It’s fine. I don’t care. It always ends up the same anyway. Dionysus is going to get shit-faced and start groping the Goddesses, then end the night drunk-sobbing in the corner. Zeus and Hera are going to have another blow up over some random nymph he’s been screwing and Ares is going to start flipping tables and picking fights with one of us, sometimes all of us.
So, I checked my ass for a “kick me” sign then asked him, “What do you want Hermes? I’m busy.”
He feigned hurt and handed me a carnation, “Can’t an immortal visit his favorite Goddess?” This was going to be a doozy because he was laying it on thick.
I held it away from my face. I wasn’t falling for the squirting flower trick again, “Don’t give me that BS, “ I told him, “Aphrodite has always been your favorite. Now, tell me why you are here.”
He finally pulled out a scroll and gave it to me, “You are being summoned.”
I knew it.
Before I unrolled it, I asked, “Is this legit or am I about to unleash another stink bomb when I open this thing?”
He had a good belly laugh. Hermes really thinks his practical jokes are hysterical. They’re not.
“No. It’s the real deal,” he told me. “Zeus is bringing in everyone. EVERYONE.”
I should have known. Days before, storm clouds were gathering over Olympus and there was an uneasy hush in the woods. There was also an ephemeral sense of dread that kept creeping along my spine causing me to shudder involuntarily. The signs were all there.
“Fine. When?” I asked.
Naturally, I was pissed about the short notice, “I have a pedicure appointment tomorrow! I have plans! Tell him I can’t make it.”
He just gave me that look. We both knew I was going. There is no sending “regrets” when you get a summons.
He nodded knowingly and turned to leave.
“Hey, Hermes. What’s the meeting about?” I asked as he walked away.
He just kept walking and called back, “It’s all in the summons!” Then he was gone.
I unrolled the scroll and was blasted with Rick Astley.
♫♫…Never gonna give you up.
Never gonna let you down.
Never gonna run around and desert you…♫♫
What an ass.
~~ Moxie ~~