So I think the students might need a little bit of guidance. Ben (the creative writing teacher down the hall) explained to me that it’s better to plan out classes in detail. He said I needed to help out the students a bit, not to just assume that they had the basic skills. He said something about this not being Ivy League. I’m still not sure what he meant. But there’s definitely no ivy.

So I came up with this:

How to write an erotic poem for your lady friend

Begin by choosing a symbol, or a metaphor,
around which you will twist the threads of your desire,
into a sweater of seduction.

It can be phallic, or otherwise similar to a body,
yours or hers.
But do not choose your cock.

Think of the ways your metaphor is sexy
Do not use like, because that is a simile,
or interjection,
and no-one wants to fuck a valley girl for
her grammar.

Use words that sit in your mouth wetly, and drip
from your tongue.
A blossom is fragrant but a bloom is heavy
and succulent.
A pulse races but a beat throbs, echoing the ache
between thighs.

Describe in salacious, lustful tones, your metaphor.
Bring it body, flesh it out
engage your listener’s five senses with
scented pink moans sweetly caressing
flushing sigh, tart pressing smell of desire.

Do not be deluded by the fact pink
rhymes with stink – be cautious.

Finish your poem in orgasmic delight:
A bursting, fruiting, flowering, fucking crescendo,
shivering, screaming, swearing, slapping, scratching.

And when you’re done, and fall shaking from the clouds
where poets live if they can afford it,

read it to her
in bed
between kisses.


I asked Ben what he thought and he got a bit red and had to run off somewhere. Perhaps it’s the heating in here.

Anyway, signups are starting so hopefully I will know who my new students are this weekend!

Mr Erato, Poetry Teacher.

Erato (The Poet)
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